Quotes & Such

Nature sides with the hidden flaw.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Moer's truism: The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.

Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Second Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.

Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.

Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.

Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Klipstein's Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.

Interchangeable parts won't.

You never find a lost article until you replace it.

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

You get the most of what you need the least.

The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.

First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)

Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.

Corollary to the First Law of Revision: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.

Laws of Computer Programming:

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.

Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Gordon's First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.

Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Bokonon-

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.

Don't get mad, get even.

Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.

Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

Korman's Conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.

Wyszowski's Law: No experiment is reproducible.

Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

The first Myth of Management: It exists.

Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.

Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Vique's Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away, if it is bad, it happens.

The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The First Law of Wing Walking: Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Farnsdick's Corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Langsam's Law: Everything depends.

Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.

Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.

Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

First Postulate of Isomorphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

MacDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.

First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

Handy Guide to Modern Science:

  1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
  2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
  3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.

Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Matz's Warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Lewis' Law: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other. Forgive and remember.

Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.

Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.

Bicycle Law:

Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.

Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

  1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
  2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jone's Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have.

Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.

Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.

Klipstein's Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short.

Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n-1 in stock.

Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped.

de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.

Design flaws travel in groups.

You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.

Lyall's Addendum: ... in the direction of maximum harm.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative. -H. L. Mencken-

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. -H. L. Mencken-

Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it. -H. L. Menchen-

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. -H.L. Menchen-

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. -H. L. Menchen-

Arcana Coelestica: Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ.

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -H. L. Menchen-

Adultary is the application of democracy to love. -H. L. Menchen-

The Arithmetic of Cooperation: When you're adding up committees there's a useful rule of thumb: that talents make a difference, and follies make a sum. -Piet Hein-

The Ultimate Wisdom: Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection. -Piet Hein-

Murphy's Military Laws:

  1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
  2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
  3. Friendly fire ain't.
  4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
  5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
  6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
  7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
  8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
  10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
  11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
  12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
  13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
  15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
  16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Conrad's Conundrum: Technologie don't transfer.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -Herbert Hoover-

We did not think of the great open plains, the beautiful rolling hills, and winding streams with tangled growth, as "wild." Only to the white man was nature a "wilderness" and only to him was the land "infested" with "wild" animals and "savage" people. To us it was tame. Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great Mystery. Not until the hairy man from the east came and with brutal frenzy heaped injustices upon us and the families we loved was it "wild" for us. When the very animals of the forest began fleeing from his approach, then it was that for us the "Wild West" began. --Chief Luther Standing Bear of the Ogalala Sioux--

A Grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one. --Kin Hubbard--

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament! --Florynce Kennedy--

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. --Ambrose Bierce--

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Stephen Leacock--

Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. --Fred Allen--

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. --Sinclair Lewis--

Advertising is legalized lying. --H. G. Wells--

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. --Dylan Thomas--

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash. --P. G. Wodehouse--

Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equalled the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism? --Ayan Rand--

In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. --Mark Twain--

In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact. --Marlene Dietrich--

America is the greatest of opportunities and the worst of influences. --George Santayana--

The discovery of America was the occasion of the greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed known in history. --Joseph Conrad--

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing. --Gamal Abdel Nasser--

Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills. --Voltaire--

There is no underestimating the intelligence of the American public. --H. L. Mencken--

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage. --H. L. Mencken--

Perhaps the most revolting character that the United States ever produced was the Christian business man. --H. L. Mencken--

The trouble with New York is that it has no nationality at all. It is simply a sort of free port --a place where the raw materials of civilization are received, sorted out, and sent further on. --H. L. Mencken--

Texas is the place where there are the most cows and the least milk and the most rivers and the least water in them, and where you can look the farthest and see the least. --H. L. Mencken--

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended. --George Bernard Shaw--

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand. --Mark Twain--

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. --Bertrand Russell--

Scriptures....The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. --Ambrose Bierce--

The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the person who reads it. --Robert G. Ingersoll--

No one recovers from the disease of being born; a deadly wound if there ever was one. --E. M. Cioran--

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. --Herb Caen--

He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage during rebirth. --Anonymous--

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men. --Ambrose Bierce--

It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars and hypocrites. --Henry Miller--

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. --Honore' De Balzac--

Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions. --Aldous Huxley--

Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws. --Karl Kraus--

One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity. --Andrew Carnegie--

Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time. --George Bernard Shaw--

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency. --Raymond Chandler--

There are three terrible ages of childhood -- 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30. --Cleveland Amory--

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. --Mell Lazarus--

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires. --Dorothy Parker--

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. --Ralph Waldo Emerson--

We are given children to test us and make us more spiritual. --George F. Will--

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? --Jules Feiffer--

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be -- A Christian. --Mark Twain--

The last Christian died on the cross. --Anonymous--

Organized Christianity has probably done more to retard the ideals that were its founder's than any other agency in the world. --Richard LeGallienne--

Of learned men, the clergy show the lowest development of professional ethics. Any pastor is free to steal customers from the divines of rival sects, and to denounce the divines themselves as theological quacks. --H. L. Mencken--

A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to live without working at the expense of the rascals who work to live. --Voltaire--

Communism is like one big phone company. --Lenny Bruce--

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class--except Congress. --Mark Twain--

Conservative......A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. --Ambrose Bierce--

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. --Oscar Wilde--

Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. --Nietzsche--

Corporation......An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. --Ambrose Bierce--

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how its done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. --Brendan Behan--

Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race. Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a fire plug what it feels about dogs. --John Osborne--

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --George Bernard Shaw--

Democracy encourages the majority to decide things about which the majority is blissfully ignorant. --John Simon--

The substitution of election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few properly describes the institution of Democracy. --George Bernard Shaw--

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, barely tempered by editors. --Laurence J. Peters--

One of the most common of all diseases is diagnosis. --Karl Kraus--

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. --Anton Chekhov--

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education. --Bertrand Russell--

We are shut up in schools and college recitation rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bellyfull of words and do not know a thing. --Ralph Waldo Emerson--

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --Laurence J. Peter--

Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on earth can ever turn it into a fact. --Honore' de Balzac--

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. -- Oscar Wilde--

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. --Groucho Marx--

Faith.....Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. --Ambrose Bierce--

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. --H. L. Mencken--

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. --Nietzsche--

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. --H. L. Mencken--

When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones. --Peter DeVries--

Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much. --Oscar Wilde--

France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper. --Billy Wilder--

What I gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country. --Samual Johnson--

France? I would have loved it -- without the French. --D. H. Lawrence--

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. --Eric Hoffer--

Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of leisure activity. --Mortimer Adler--

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face -- forever. --George Orwell--

"Gay" used to be one of the most agreeable words in the language. Its appropriation by a notably morose group is an act of piracy. --Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.--

When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him. --Jonathon Swift--

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. --John Ciardi--

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. --Stendhal--

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out. --Arthur Koestler--

It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God will not help him. --H. L. Mencken--

He (God) seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles. --J. B. S. Haldane--

The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. --John Barrymore--

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time. --George Orwell--

It is almost impossible systematically to constitute a natural moral law. Nature has no principles. She furnishes us with no reason to believe that human life is to be respected. Nature, in her indifference, makes no distinction between good and evil. --Anatole France--

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --Mark Twain--

A government is the only know vessel that leaks from the top. --James Reston--

Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed. --I. F. Stone--

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one class of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire--

Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us. --Leo Tolstoy--

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors. --Anonymous--

History is a set of lies agreed upon. --Napoleon Bonaparte--

History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history. --Clarence Darrow--

We learn from history that we do not learn from history. --G. F. Wilhelm Hegel--

On the whole history tends to be rather poor fiction-except at its best. --Gore Vidal--

An historian is nothing more than an unsuccessful novelist. --H. L. Mencken--

History would be a wonderful thing -- if only it were true. --H. L. Mencken--

Holidays are an expensive trial of strength. The only satisfaction comes from survival. --Jonathan Miller--

The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. --Voltaire--

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man. --Nietzsche--

There are times when you have to choose between being human and having good taste. --Bertoldt Brecht--

It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man. --Albert Einstein--

No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. --A. A. Milne--

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. --Fred Allen--

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race. --Don Marquis--

Humility is no substitute for a good personality. --Fran Lebowitz--

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. --George Bernard Shaw--

A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to go out and kill something. --Stephen Leacock--

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. --P. G. Wodehouse--

A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted. --Helen Rowland--

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. --Michael Korda--

Impiety....Your irreverence toward my deity. --Ambrose Bierce--

Insanity.....A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world. --R. D. Laing--

Ireland has the honor of being the only country which never persecuted the Jews -- because they never let any in. --James Joyce--

I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could. --George Bernard Shaw--

The Irish are a fair people -- they never speak well of one another. --Samual Johnson--

The Jews are a frightened people. Twenty centuries of Christian love have broken down their nerves. --Israel Zangwill--

There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. --Oscar Wilde--

Justice.....A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. --Ambrose Bierce--

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are a God. --Jean Rostand-

Every law is an infraction of liberty. --Jeremy Bentham--

Lawyer.....One skilled in the circumvention of the law. --Ambrose Bierce--

Lawyer.....One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation. --H. L Mencken--

Lawyers are the only person in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. --Jeremy Bentham--

If law school is so hard to get through....how come there are so many lawyers? --Calvin Trillin--

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. --Charles Lamb--

Lawyers are ... operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must cross. --Jane Bryant Quinn--

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. --Jules Renard--

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. --Jerome K. Jerome--

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. --Lenny Bruce--

Liberal......A power worshipper without power. --George Orwell--

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --Willis Player--

A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel. --Robert Frost--

Liberty means responsibility; that is why most men dread it. --George Bernard Shaw--

Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches. --Will Rogers--

Life does not cease to be funny when people die and more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. --George Bernard Shaw--

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. --Christopher Isherwood--

Love is the most subtle form of self-interest. --Holbrook Jackson--

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. --Stephen Leacock--

It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well. --Charles Bukowski--

What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice. --Charles Baudelaire--

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part. --George Bernard Shaw--

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. --George Bernard Shaw--

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love! --Woody Allen--

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion. --Voltaire--

Virtue has Never been as respectable as money. --Mark Twain--

Go into the street and give one man a lecture on morality and another a dollar, and see which will respect you most. --Samuel Johnson--

If you must choose between living with your mother-in-law and blowing your brains out, don't hesitate -- blow out hers! --Victorien Sardou--

Obscenity is what happens to shock some elderly and ignorant magistrate. --Bertrand Russell--

Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection. --Anonymous--

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it. --J. Robert Oppenheimer--

A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. --William Burroughs--

The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the education of the children are the parents. --G. K. Chesterton--

Patience........A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. --Ambrose Bierce--

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. --Bertrand Russell--

When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign he expects to get paid for it. --H. L. Mencken--

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. --Oscar Wilde--

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. --H. Allen Smith--

Pessimist....One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. --Oscar Wilde--

A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. --George Bernard Shaw--

Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others. --Oscar Wilde--

The photographer is like the cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity. --George Bernard Shaw--

Politeness.........The most acceptable hypocrisy. --Ambrose Bierce--

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. --H. L. Mencken--

One has to be a lowbrow, a bit of a murderer, to be a politician, ready and willing to see people sacrificed, slaughtered, for the sake of an idea, whether a good one or a bad one. --Henry Miller--

Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The Presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize. --Saul Bellow--

Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. --David Broder--

Politics....Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. --Ambrose Bierce--

The standard of intellect in politics is so low, men of moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it. --Hillaire Belloc--

All politics are based on the indifference of the majority. --James Reston--

Pray......To ask the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner who confesses his unworthiness. --Ambrose Bierce--

I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices. They are more honest. --Oscar Wilde--

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. --William James--

Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex. --S. N. Behrman--

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother. --Germaine Greer--

One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny. --Bertrand Russell--

There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanical religion, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness. --H. L. Mencken--

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. --Lily Tomlin--

Ronald Reagan.....A Triumph of the embalmer's art. --Gore Vidal--

All reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for. --Logan Pearsall Smith--

Relations are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. --Oscar Wilde--

All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the the cleverness of the few. --Stendahl--

Most religions do not make men better, only warier. --Elias Canetti--

The idea of a good society is something you do not need a religion and eternal punishment to buttress; you need a religion if you are terrified of death. --Gore Vidal--

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness. --Fran Lebowitz--

Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. --Oscar Wilde--

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. --H. L. Mencken--

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training, for it trains people as to how they shall think. --Arthur Schopenhauer--

Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that survived. --Oscar Wilde--

We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. --Jonathan Swift--

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is not respect for age. I missed it coming and going. --J. B. Priestley--

The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. --George Bernard Shaw--

Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy. --Franz Kafka--

Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful Know he is. --Jean Anouilh--

Any preoccupation with ideas of what is right and wrong in conduct shows and arrested intellectual development. --Oscar Wilde--

If Geraldo Rivera is the first journalist in space, NASA can test the effect of weightlessness on weightlessness. --Anonymous but I wish I said it--

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read. --Frank Zappa--

Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake, and never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles. --Beverly Jones--

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself. --John Kenneth Galbraith--

School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, with brutal violations of common sense and common decency. --H. L. Mencken--

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing. --George Bernard Shaw--

Sex.......The Pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and expense damnable. --Lord Chesterfield--

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. --Woody Allen--

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --Wilson Mizner--

Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many --even more-- things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. --Fran Lebowitz--

Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match. --Karl Kraus--

If you attack stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with friends in government and every walk of public life, and you will make small progress against it. --Samual Marchbanks--

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. --Oscar Wilde--

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. --Gore Vidal--

A Sunday School is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. -- H. L. Mencken --

Like its politicians and its war, society has the teenagers it deserves. --J. B. Priestley--

I have only a small flickering light to guide me in the darkness of a thick forest. Up comes a theologian and blows it out. --Dennis Diderot--

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. --George Bernard Shaw--

People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false; a gift confers no rights. --Nietzsche--

As long as war is looked upon as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. --Oscar Wilde--

Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions. --Robert Ardrey--

As far as unwed mothers on welfare are concerned, it seems to me they must be capable of some other form of labor. --Al Capp--

I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. --Alexandre Dumas--

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others. --Oscar Wilde--

Women are like elephants to me -- I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. --W. C. Fields--

The history of woman is the history of the worst form of tyranny the world has ever known; the tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that lasts. --Oscar Wilde--

In the fight between you and the world, back the world. --Frank Zappa--

If the world were a logical place, Men would ride side-saddle. --Rita Mae Brown--

The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another. --Quentin Crisp--

What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen? --Evelyn Waugh--

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out any quicker than the Christmas spirit. --Kin Hubbard--

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: Anyone who says they've never met a man they didn't like hasn't met everyone.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: The world gets a little better every day, and a lot worse every night.

Submitted by Jonathan Burnett: I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

Advice to parents: "At age thirteen, seal the teenager in a barrel and leave a hole at the top for air and for the sending of food through a straw. Then, at age sixteen, Plug up the hole! -Mark Twain-

Submitted by 5th. Grade Teacher: Those who talketh by the yard, and listen by the inch, should be kicketh by the foot!

Never separate knowing from doing. --Dale Parnell--

Learning in order to know must be integrated with learning in order to do. --Dale Parnell--

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. --John Gardner--

America is simultaneously creating more high-skill jobs and turning out more low skill workers. --Bill Brock, Former U.S. Secretary of Labor--

Gardner's Law: Eighty-seven percent of all people in all professions are incompetent. --John Gardner--

We do far too little for the "forgotten half" that do not go to college, a group that other nations take care to train and retrain throughout their lifetimes. --President Bill Clinton--

There is an ominous mismatch between what students are learning and what is required in their real-life roles...not just work, but in their roles as a citizen, a family member, a lifelong learner. --Dale Parnell--

No more prizes for predicting rain, only for building arks. --Louis V. Gerstner, Jr., Chairman, CEO RJR Nabisco, inc.--

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. --Max Frisch--

A nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking being done by cowards and its fighting by fools. --Thucydides--

Upon the education of this country the fate of this country depends. --Benjamin Disraeli--

We are now at the point where we must educate people in what nobody knew yesterday, and prepare in our schools for what no one knows yet but what some people must know tomorrow. --Margaret Mead - 1901-1978--

We learn how to do things by doing the things we are learning to do. --Aristotle--

Who so neglects learning in his youth loses the past and is dead for the future. --Euripides - C. 485-406 BC--

The direction in which education starts a man will determine his future life. --Plato - C. 428-348 BC--

Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the form of inert facts. --Henry Brooks Adams - 1838-1918--

Much learning does not teach understanding. --Heraclitus - 540-480 BC--

Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do. --Thomas Henry Huxley - 1825-1895--

The illiterate of the year 2000 will not be the individual who cannot read and write, but the one who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. --Alvin Toffler - 1928--

Nothing happens unless first we dream. --Carl Sandburg - 1878-1967--

Do not sacrifice tomorrow on the alter of yesterday. --Peter Drucker--

If we fail to educate those who need us most, where will we take pride for success? --John Gardner--

What is needed in technical education today is not a standard curriculum but a curriculum standard. --Maurice W. Roney - (in 1960)--

What is needed instead of an IQ [Intelligence Quotient] is an SQ [Skill Quotient] - a measure of the ability to transfer ideas from one set of tools and materials to another set of tools and materials. --Peter Drucker--

We learn to do things by doing the things we are learning to do. --Aristotle--

The education of a man is never completed until he dies. --Robert E. Lee--

A school should not be a preparation for life. It should be life. --Elbert Hubbard--

The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves, throughout their lives. --Robert Maynard Hutchins--

Education today, more than ever before, must see clearly two objectives education for living and education for making a living. --James Mason Wood--

We are now at the point where we must educate people in what nobody knew yesterday, and prepare in our schools for what no one knows yet but someone must know tomorrow. --Margaret Mead--

Remember to dig deep when interviewing someone for a key position...just as a wise man can say a foolish thing, a fool can say something wise once in awhile.

Worry about the small things...the big things will take care of themselves.

Spend the extra dollars to maintain your equipment. Remember, you don't have to brush all your teeth either...only the ones you want to keep.

Nothing is more rewarding than to watch someone who says it can't be done get interrupted by someone actually doing it.

When the pace of change outside an organization becomes greater than the pace of change inside the organization, the end is near.

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." --Wayne Gretzky--

Don't build me a watch, just tell me the time.

The race is not always won by the fastest runner but sometimes by those who just keep running.

A turn in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn.

Smart executives know that they do the things they need to do when they need to do them so someday they can do the things they want to do when they want to do them.

Analyze the facts before making key decisions: On June 25th, 1876, General George Armstrong Custer received information that a significant number of Indians were gathering at Little Big Horn. Without analyzing the facts, he decided to ride out with 250 men to "surround" almost 3000 Indians...this was a serious mistake.

We do not stop working because we are old; we grow old because we stop working.

It doesn't matter how many pails of milk you spill. Just don't lose the cow.

"Measure twice...cut once." --Ross Perot--

Worrying about what's right is always more important than worrying about who's right.

There is always a right way and a wrong way to succeed: Two Jesuit priests both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their bishop for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the Bishop allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!" the friend replied.

Wealth comes to those who make things happen not to those who let things happen.

If you are constantly looking back, chances are pretty good you'll fall into a hole ahead.

"If you have tried to do something but couldn't, you are far better off then if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded." --John T. Ragland, Jr.--

Try not to work for a person who has more problems than you do.

There are two types of fools: Those who trust everyone and those who trust no one.

"If you go into a battle, it's better to win the first time." --General George S. Patton--

All junior executives should know that if they work hard ten hours a day, every day, they could be promoted to senior executives so they can work hard for fourteen hours a day.

Executive personalities can sometimes be measured by their actions. For example, in driving, there are two types of executive motorists--those who drive as if they owned the road, and those who drive as if they owned the car.

The Ten Commandments of Street Smarts by Mark H. McCormack

  1. Never underestimate the importance of money...It's how business people keep score!
  2. Never overestimate the value of money...cash is important, but sometimes not as important as respect, thanks, integrity, or the thrill of a job well done.
  3. You can never have too many friends in business...Given a choice always do business with a friend. It's the best way to leverage your success.
  4. Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know"...People will respect you much more and will always place more weight on what you do say...because they know you're right.
  5. Speak less...No one ever put their foot in their mouth when they were not speaking. Worse, if you are speaking, you can't be listening, and we always learn much more from listening.
  6. Keep your promises, the big ones and the little ones...both the starting point and the staying point in any business relationship is trust...not suspicion. Someone who does what he says will always succeed over a person who doesn't keep his word.
  7. Every transaction has a life of its own...Some need tender loving care, some need to be hurried away.
  8. Commit yourself to quality from day one...It's better to do nothing at all then to do something badly.
  9. Be nice to people...nice gets nice, and all things being equal, courtesy can be very persuasive.
  10. Don't hog the credit...share it. People will work with you and for you if they are recognized. They will also work against you if they are not.

"When I was in the 11th grade, I was cut from the junior varsity basketball team. Our varsity coach then approached me and asked me to play on the varsity team. "I just got cut from the JV Team," I said. His answer: "I'm not coaching the JV." --Bill Russell-- The moral of the story is to go with you instincts you just may be right! If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what your getting.

In business, a man should not be judged by what he eats so much as with whom he eats.

Beware of the most dangerous person in education--the articulate incompetent.

In all my years in education, I have found that people in meetings tend to agree on decisions that, as individuals, they know are dumb.

The best way to eliminate any enemy is to make him a friend.

"It's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again." --Vince Lombardi--

In business it's always easier to stay out of trouble than to get out of trouble.

Don't try to do something cheaply that shouldn't be done at all.

Keeping up is always easier than catching up.

Don't hold a $1,000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.

If someone says something unkind about you, live your life so that no one will believe it.

If you think education is expensive, wait till you see what ignorance costs you.

Avoid shortcuts. They always take too much time in the long run.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Some People Are Lucky and Some Are Not: John Paul Getty, the oil executive and billionaire, once received a request from a magazine for a short article that explained his great success. The billionaire obligingly wrote: "Some people find oil--others don't."

"There are two types of employees: Those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is much less competition there." --Indira Gandhi--

The greatest mistake an executive can make is to be afraid of making a mistake.

If your only choice is to hire either a conceited executive or a foolish executive, hire the conceited one...occasionally he won't be conceited.

The best time to save some money is when you have some.

A fat lawsuit is never as smart as a lean compromise.

More People Get Into Trouble For Things They Say Rather Than For What They Do: General Westmoreland called down to the base motor pool one day and asked what vehicles were on the base and available. The Private who answered the call said: "Two jeeps, one truck and one sedan for the stupid General." Not believing what he just heard, the General asked the Private: "Do you know who you're talking to?" The Private said: "No." "Well, this is General Westmoreland." The Private thought for a moment--highly aware of his incredible blunder--and asked: "Well, do you know who you're talking to?" The General responded "No, I don't," to which the Private said: "Well, so long, stupid" and hung up the phone.

To finish sooner, take your time.

Never let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves." --Thomas Edison--

In education, as in forest fires, big problems always start out small.

Sometimes when a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience ends up with the money and the man with the money ends up with experience.

Having something to say is always more important than wanting to say something.

If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.

Education is like riding a bicycle. Either you keep up your speed or you'll fall down.

The executive who makes no mistakes usually doesn't make anything.

In education as in life, foolish ideas dressed up to look impressive are usually dreamed up by impressive fools.

"You neve get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him." --Lou Holtz--

"There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate--when he cannot afford it, and when he can." --Mark Twain--

If your company is stupid enough to be run by a committee, be on that committee.

The meek might inherit the earth...but the strong will always retain the mineral rights.

The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of meeting the schedule has been forgotten.

"The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive." --Albert Einstein--

The world is divided into people who get things done, and people who get the credit.

The Truth Be Known!: At a political dinner the famous newspaper columnist, Ann Landers, was introduced to a rather pompous Senator. "So, you're Ann Landers," he drawled. "Say something funny." Without hesitation Ann replied, "Well, you're a politician...tell me a lie."

Given a choice between building your business on large debt or facing a firing squad...chose the firing squad. There's a chance the firing squad might miss.

People who will lie for you, will lie to you.

To get the right answer, it helps to ask the right question.

In business today, too many executives spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't even like.

If you're skating on thin ice, skate real fast.

In education as in life, your chances of being run over are doubled if you stay in the middle of the road.

"Now, I'm saying if I've got a goose that can lay a golden egg, then I would study that goose and say "How can I get it to lay two eggs?"--not, 'Should we have it for Thanksgiving dinner?" --Ross Perot--

"Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect." --Vince Lombardi--

If You Don't Ask...You Don't Get: It seems there was a pretzel stand out front of an office building in New York. One day a man came out of the building, plunked down a quarter, and then went on his way without taking a pretzel. This happened every day for three weeks. Finally, the old lady running the stand spoke up: "Sir, excuse me. May I have a word with you?" The fellow said: "I know what you're going to say. You're going to ask me why I give you a quarter every day and don't take a pretzel." And the woman said, "Not at all. I just want to tell you the price is now 35 cents."

"It's not the employer who pays the wages. Employers only handle the money. It's the customer who pays the wages." --Henry Ford--

The executive who works from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. every day will be both very successful and fondly remembered by his widow's next husband.

Lawyers earn more from problems than solutions.

If your business isn't moving fast enough consider the turtle--It can't move at all if it doesn't stick its neck out.

Negotiation At Its Best: J. P. Morgan was interested in buying a pearl pin. The jeweler he approached found the perfect pin and sent it in a box to Morgan with a bill for $5,000. The following day the box was returned with a note from Morgan: "I like the pin, but I don't like the price. If you will accept the enclosed check for $4,000, please send back the box which is sealed with the seal unbroken." The enraged jeweler returned the check to the messenger and dismissed him in anger. He opened the box to remove the pin only to find that it had already been replaced with a check from Morgan for $5,000.

Always Maintain a Positive Attitude: Many years ago, a large American shoe manufacturer sent two sales reps out to different parts of the Australian outback to see of they could drum up some business among the aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first one said, "No business here...natives don't wear shoes." The second one said, "Great opportunity here...natives don't wear shoes!"

Dumb executives tend to become best friends with other dumb executives.

The concerned investment banker is the one who blows the horn on his Mercedes as he drives through a red light.

If you aren't happy with what you've got now, what makes you think you'll be happier with more?

If there are things about a job candidate you don't like, you will like them even less after you hire him.

Only make a great deal of you have no intention of ever doing business with that person again...otherwise make a good deal.

If you know how, you'll always have a job. If you know why, you'll be the boss.

Ever notice how the empty can makes the loudest noise.

If you're in charge and you stop rowing, don't be surprised if the rest of your crew stops too.

In education, people take different roads to achieve success. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

People who wait for all conditions to be perfect before acting, never act.

The problem with success is that by the time you're rich enough to sleep late, you're so old you always wake up early.

Always remember you spend at least 8 to 10 hours of your working day with your secretary and only 3 to 4 hours a day with your wife...and your wife knows it. Send a gift once in a while for no reason at all...to your wife.

Any problem you can solve with a check isn't a problem, it's an expense.

The first step you should take if you want to be successful is to decide what kind of executive you are. Executives fall into three categories: Those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what happened.

It isn't the employees you terminate who make your life miserable, it's the ones you don't.

The low bidder is usually someone who is wondering what he left out.

George Bernard Shaw, the famous playwright, sent Winston Churchill two tickets to the opening of his play, Saint Joan, with a note: "One for yourself and one for a friend--if you have one." Churchill replied that he regretted being unable to attend the opening, but asked if it would be possible to have tickets for the second night--"If there is one."

"I touch the future,I teach." Christa McAuliffe

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. The feelings of change.

Murphys Law #31 Any activity you need to accomplish will take more time than you have.

If all else fails - Read the directions.

My problems today don't worry me. I haven't solved those from yesterday yet!

Think - It may be a new experience.

Are you here to help solve my problems or are you one of them?

Everybody makes mistakes but me and you and lately I've begun to wonder about you!

Don't try to fool me. I've been to collage!

Accuracy is our watch word we never make misteaks!

Mistakes will happen but why do you have to give them so much help?

I never make the same mistake twice. I'm too busy making new ones.

P L A N A H EAD (letters get smaller and closer together at the end.) COMPUTER ROM


Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge - others merely gargle.

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

May the carrier be with you.

Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.

All speling, factual, tact, and/or grametical errers be the result of netwerk interpherance or# transmition ererrs.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Ya know what feels so good about banging your head against a wall? Stopping...

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things and right now I'm so far behind I'll never die.

"Sometimes it's easier to understand things than it is to figure them out" -Casey Stengel

My problem is an 8088 brain in an 80486 world.

Windows installation complete, press your luck to continue. Windows 95 = Macintosh 89

Friends don't let friends use Windows

Product warning for a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97

There's a new computer virus out, called the Loraina Bobbit! It could turn your hard drive into a 3 1/2in. floppy.

Count your age by friends not years.

Count your life by smiles -not tears.

"We have done so much, with so little, for so long, we are now capable of doing everything with absolutely nothing."

"A closed mouth gathers no feet"

"No matter where you go, there you are."

If it's green, it's biology, If it stinks, it's chemistry, If it has numbers, it's math, If it doesn't work, it's technology.

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Warning! There will be no more warnings.

It's nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice.

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

When the going gets tough, most people quit.

Friendship should not be thought of as something we get; it is something we give.

Tend to not look at the cost of what goes into education, but rather at what the cost of failing to educate is. Call it zero-based budgeting for education, but I think if we looked at the dollar value of failing, we'd invest much more in succeeding.

If you think Education is expensive, consider the alternative.

"The only thing wired in most schools are the kids. " - David Thornburg

We believe the children are the future. We believe teachers shape their future... We believe technology is cool. We believe teachers are cooler. -Tom Snyder Productions

Running water is strong, turbulent, active, fresh. It carries within it rejuvenating elements drawn from upstream, and everything within its grasp is in motion. Standing water looks peaceful, calm. But without motion, the water grows stagnant and dark. The elements within it decay and die. Without an infusion of new water, it shrinks and eventually vanishes, a lost relic leaving behind an empty river bed once filled with promise.

Technology cannot be ignored. It is not going to go away.

Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.

"I think there is a market for about five computers" -Famous quote by Thomas J. Watson - CEO of IBM in '58

Worry does not take the pain out of tomorrow; it merely takes the joy out of today.

The trouble with walking around the house with a hammer in your hand is that, pretty soon, everything starts to look like a nail. -Mark Twain

If we compared educational technology to aviation, then the Wright brothers are about 15 years old and just getting some ideas about trying to fly.

"Books will soon be obsolete in the schools... Our school system will be completely changed in the next ten years" -Thomas Edison, 1913 speaking about motion pictures

"The only person who welcomes change is a wet baby."

Every expert was once a beginner!

If kids are interested, then you can teach them anything!

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're different.

We regret more things we didn't do than things we did do.

The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

Nothing is impossible. Some things just haven't been done yet.

There are three kinds of people -Those who make things happen -Those who watch things happen -Those who wonder what happened

People who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size.

Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than back.

"I've never seen a monument erected to a pessimist." -Paul Harvey

"An optimist goes to the window every morning and says, "Good morning, God." The pessimist goes to the window and syas, "Good God, morning.

Technology - are you on the cutting edge or are you cutting out?

In technology we are "white water rafting." Some of us are in the raft. Others are the driftwood that is being pulled along. Others are rocks, and are not moving at all. And then there are the bolders that hold everyone back. -David Thornburg

"It is easier to change the location of a cemetary that to change the curriculum." -Woodrow Wilson

We should be teaching to our children's future, not to our past.

Instead of looking to our past we should leap past our future. -Vice-Pres. Quale

Be concerned about the future. You'll spend the rest of your life there!

It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old today. However, it's a small price to pay to have someone around the house who understands computers.

The most damaging phrase in the language is: `It's always been done that way.' -Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

If we keep doing what we're doing, we're going to keep getting what we're getting. -Stephen Covey, First Things First

Yesterday's the past and tomorrow's the future. Today is a gift-which is why they call it the present. -Bill Keane

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. -William Arthur Ward

A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary. -Thomas Carruthers

I am always willing to learn, however I do not always like to be taught. -Winston Churchill

...our schools have been scientifically designed to prevent overeducation from happening. -William Troy Harris, U.S. Commissioner of Education 1889-1906

I've often gotten the feeling that the only people who have learned from computer assisted instruction are the authors. -Ben Schneiderman

I don't think they should be called Integrated Learning Systems. I think they should be called Integrated Teaching Systems, because there is no evidence that learning has taken place. -David Thornburg

The United States Supreme Court has handed down the eleventh commandment, "Thou shalt not, in any classroom, read the first ten."

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. -Mark Twain

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle

James R. Fromm, 1997 (jfromm@3rd1000.com)